Smoke Me A Kipper
by ParadigmShifter
Summary: Alternate Halloween Fic: Xander dresses as Rimmer's nemesis...


Someone months ago mentioned Ace Rimmer? Well, here it is at last!

Disclaimer: Joss, WB, UPN et al. own Buffy. Grant Naylor and the BBC own Red Dwarf. I don't.

Title: Smoke Me A Kipper (I'll Be Back For Breakfast)

Author: Paradigm Shifter

Thanks: As always go to Bobby Cox, Teri and Trevelyan. Also to Sirius.

Rating: PG?

Feedback: Would be appreciated. :-)

Notes: This is the fourth of some short drabbles based around Halloween. Again. I also quite like Dawn... so any fic pre-season 5 from now on will have Dawn in courtesy of the implanted memories.

A new fic I'm working on breaks the mould (hopefully) of always diverging from canon in the same boring places. Appearing in Inboxes soon... ('Soon', of course, being a relative term...)

-

Xander pulled a reddish brown wig out of the box in front of him, and added it to the already impressive collection of things slung over his arm or clasped in his hand. A futuristic looking flight suit, a pair of equally shiny boots, some padding for the shoulders (no man had shoulders that broad without being a direct descendent of a mountain gorilla – Larry was the perfect example of this rule) and a pair of aviator mirror shades.

Trying desperately not to drop anything as he walked over to the till, Xander ignored Buffy and Willow fawning over a deep red ball-gown.

Xander looked at the man behind the desk, "How much?"

The man seemed to be in a world of his own, and Xander followed his gaze, to where he appeared to be watching Buffy and Willow with a twisted half smile on his face. He snapped out of whatever trance he was in as Xander tapped on the desk twice. "Oh? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, young man. What was your question?"

Xander elaborated on the original. "How much will all this cost?"

Ethan looked down at the pile. He couldn't tell what it was going to be. "I tell you what, if you tell me who you are going as – and since I wasn't paying adequate attention to hear you speak the first time – I'll give it to you for free!"

Xander nodded, not wanting to reveal to the guy that in all likelihood he would not have been able to pay for all of the costume anyway. If the guy wanted to give costumes away, that was fine with him – especially with his current financial crisis. "It's a television character from a British comedy I used to watch."

Ethan's brow furrowed in confusion. "Oh? Which comedy would this be?"

"Red Dwarf," Xander grinned.

The frown cleared, and Ethan smiled.

-

Dawn opened the door to 1630 Rovello Drive, and Xander stepped through. Nodding his thanks to the younger girl, he bowed to Mrs. Summers.

Joyce stared at the transformation wrought by his costume. "My... Xander! That is quite a costume!"

Xander stood up straight again, smiling at the compliment. "You think so?"

Dawn poked him in the ribs. "You're supposed to be waiting for me!"

Xander ruffled her hair, getting an annoyed, 'Hey!' and a further elbow to his ribs for his troubles and grinned. "Easy, Dawnie... no one can take me from you." He winked at Mrs. Summers, and she laughed.

"Buffy and Willow should be down in a minute, Xander. If you want to go into the lounge, you can wait. I baked some cookies, if you want one."

"Food?" Xander's eyes lit up, and he practically ran for the kitchen.

-

The spell was cast.

Where Xander had been standing, watching over his group of children – well, watching them beg chocolate off a middle aged couple, actually – now stood someone else.

Ace Rimmer squared his shoulders, looked around and pushed his slipping shades back up to their proper place on his nose.

Then he flicked his hair back.

"Ah, where has the dimension drive got me to this time?" He looked around again. "Funny... I don't remember jumping to anywhere like this. Where was I last... ah, yes: Belagose. The Belagosian war, if I remember correctly. What a picnic that was!"

"Xander!"

Ace Rimmer turned around to see a redhead bowling toward him at high speed. He blinked. "I can see through you...!"

"Well, yeah, I'm a ghost!" The redhead came to a halt just in front of him, and Ace had a chance to look her up and down. She ignored his gaze and continued to ramble on at top speed, "Xander-we-all-got-turned-into-our-costumes-and-then-the-kids-are-all-evil-and-nasty-and-everything-because-they-all-went-dressed-as-demons-and-things-and-I-died-and-now-I'm-a-ghost-and-I-can't-believe-you're-alright-and-I'm-so-glad!We-must-find-Buffy-before-bad-things-happen-to-her-too!"

"I'm sorry, ma'am," Ace said smoothly, "but could you repeat that... a little slower?"

Willow took another breath, to say it all over again. A scream rent the air. Ace turned to her. "Look, I'm terribly sorry, but I'd better go and rescue whoever that was. Can we do this again some time? I'm free at 1300."

With that, he tore off in the direction of the scream.

Willow watched him go. She didn't even realise she was speaking as she murmured, "What a guy...!"

-

The scream, as it turned out, was Pirate Larry turning tail from a half-dozen little demons that seemed to think giving him two wooden legs – via eating his real one – was a good idea.

Ace dived into the middle of the demons, quickly knocking them out with a minimum of fuss. When the last one to be rendered unconscious bit him hard before finally succumbing to having its head beaten into the tarmac, he looked at the oozing bite wound and dismissed it, "Huh, just a scratch."

"Arr! Thank ye, matey! I be right at a loss as how to deal with those little rascals."

Ace Rimmer stood up, brushing his hair back from in front of his eyes with his good hand, "No thanks necessary, friend. Just doing my part to make the planet a safer place for all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and find more people who are in trouble to help."

Pirate Larry watched Xander go, awe written plainly on his face. "Ar... what a guy!"

-

"Oi, mate! Where do you think you're goin' in such an 'urry?" Spike strolled out of the darkness in front of Xander, his perpetual swagger present and accounted for. "Got a damsel in distress, 'ave we?"

Ace frowned. "Who are you?"

Spike guffawed, "Me? Oh, I'm Spike, mate. William the Bloody. It'll be a name you remember for the rest of your life – 'cause that'll only be a few seconds!" As he said the final words, Spike vamped out and lunged, claws preparing to gut the silver-suited meal in front of him.

Ace danced back as Spike's claws tore into his jacket and gouged ragged lines in his chest. He looked up with indignation, "That's my best top, dammit!"

Spike growled as he recovered from overextending with his lunge, and licked his lips in anticipation. "I know you... you're the Slayer's little lapdog, but different. Oh, I'll enjoy playin' with you, mate!"

With those words, he charged. Ace jumped out of the way, allowing Spike to go tearing past and into a rather solid wall.

"No, I'm Ace Rimmer. Whatever you are," He flicked his hair out of his eyes once more.

Spike roared, and charged once more. Ace used his attackers' momentum to launch him into the air, where Spike landed in a dumpster. As the vampire laid moaning and clutching his head, Ace slammed the lid on him, and threw the latch.

From inside the dumpster, the semi-delirious words of Spike could be heard; "What a guy..."

-

Ace ran down the street, following a screaming noblewoman and a horde of small demons that were so intent on chasing her, they didn't realise they were being chased themselves.

When she tripped over, it gave them a perfect opportunity to mob her. Diving in again, Ace pulled the first one off her, and threw it into the second. A third grabbed his already injured arm, apparently drawn by the blood, and tugged hard, dislocating his shoulder.

Ace grunted, but backhanded the demon with the dislocated arm. Then he looked around to see all of the creatures out cold.

"Are you alright, miss?" he asked even as he tucked his dislocated arm into his flight suit pocket with not so much as a wince.

The noblewoman – Buffy – reached a hand up to him with the implicit instruction that he would help her rise. Ace being Ace, he did.

Then he turned around at the sound of an incredulous voice, "Buffy? Xander?"

-

Angel was looking for Buffy. Something had gone wrong with the evening, and utter chaos reigned in the small town.

When he saw what looked disturbingly like Buffy in a red gown, he groaned. Why did she seem to think that he found nobles attractive? They were all vapid airheads, good for a bit of a tumble, but as soon as the deed was done, Liam always made himself scarce in fear of either a) retaliation by their husband or suitor, or b) their fathers or c) pregnancy.

He finally deigned to notice the figure standing over her, the aftermath of a rather one sided battle around them.

Stepping out of the shadows, Angel asked, "Buffy?" He got a good look at the man's face, "Xander?"

-

Ace turned at the words, "Sorry, old bean, my name's Ace. Ace Rimmer." He looked down at his dislocated shoulder, "I uh... would shake your hand, but I'm having a slight technical difficulty."

Buffy, now on her feet, cowered behind Ace, fearful of the new man in front of her that was making her feel something itchy in the back of her skull. The noblewoman was unaware that she was a Slayer, and as such didn't understand the Slayer sense.

Angel stepped further forward, ignoring Xander and addressing Buffy. "Buffy... it's me, Angel. What's wrong?"

Buffy cowered deeper behind Ace, and as Angel advanced further, Ace held up a hand. "Now hold on a minute here, friend. This little lady is obvious frightened of you, and as such, I think it would be advisable if you kept your distance."

Angel looked at Ace in disbelief. "Buffy is my..." he paused, loathed to use the term, but not finding a better one, "girlfriend."

Ace looked over his shoulder at Buffy. "Is that your name? Do you know this man?"

Buffy drew herself up. "I am the Lady Elizabeth," she sniffed disdainfully, "and I would never lower myself to so much as be seen with such low-born filth as he." She turned a flirtatious smile on Ace, "You, on the other hand, my humble Knight Captain..."

Angel growled, and Ace shot him a warning glance as Buffy cowered again.

"I can't believe it!" Angel complained, "I don't know what it is going on tonight, but Buffy falling for Xander? How!"

He moved forward, and found himself on his back with one of Ace's booted feet resting on his chest. "I don't think you should follow us, friend. I wouldn't want to have to get violent."

Angel goggled at him. "You've got a broken arm! How much can you do?"

Ace merely smiled disarmingly, and flicked some hair out of his eyes with one hand.

"Don't follow."

With that, he took his boot of Angel's chest, and guided Buffy – Lady Elizabeth – away.

Angel watched him from his prone position with a mix of anger and amazement.

"What a guy...!"

-

Willow had found Cordelia – and after a thoroughly confusing argument which consisted of Willow trying to convince Cordelia that she wasn't a cat – when she wasn't – and Cordelia rather pointedly explaining that Willow was the social reject that she always knew she was – it went swimmingly.

The two, Cat-dressed Unspelled Cordelia and Ghost Hooker Willow were trying to find anyone else they could that wasn't going to try to attack them. Cordelia had only recently stopped complaining bitterly about the damage to her costume, and therefore the loss of her deposit.

Then they saw Xander and Buffy walking down the street toward them.

Cordelia nudged Willow – or she would have done, if Willow hadn't been a ghost. "Who is that hunk? What a guy! He looks..."

Willow shot her a sadistically amused grin, but waiting in silence for the two figures to get nearer as Cordelia continued on about how much of a dreamboat the guy looked.

She quickly shut up when she realised who it was. "...Xander!"

Willow chuckled, and Cordelia blushed bright red.

-

The Next Day, Sunnydale High School

Xander walked down the corridor of Sunnydale High. He had got home the previous night after the spell ended – he still didn't know how, but he had certainly spent an enjoyable few hours in the company of Buffy, Willow and Cordelia, even with a dislocated shoulder.

So he was in school this morning, silent as he walked down the corridor to a chorus of wolf-whistles and propositions from the female student body, with a lock of hair that he just couldn't keep out of his eyes. Little did he know, his mannerism for flicking that lock of hair was identical to Ace's.

In the library, things were just as quiet. Buffy, Willow and Cordelia were there, all silently staring at the table top, frightened of meeting each others eyes. Giles was watching them with an expression half-way between amusement and horror. He turned as Xander entered, "Ah, Xander, perhaps you could throw some light on the exact events of last night? None of these three seem to be capable of such a fantastic feat without blushing..." His sarcasms did not go unnoticed.

Xander flicked the hair out of his eyes again for the fifth time in as many minutes. "Yeah, uh... sure, Giles. Um... y'see I went as Ace Rimmer..." He trailed off as he saw Cordelia, who had moved out of Giles field of vision, removing a bottle of maple syrup from her bag. She unscrewed the cap, and fixing Xander with a sultry look, sniffed the open bottle slowly.

"Uh..." Xander went non verbal, as Cordelia walked up to him and grabbed him by his wrist, drawing him out of the library. Ace hadn't made it a secret that he liked maple syrup the previous night, and Cordelia intended to take full advantage of that fact.

"Sorry, Giles," Cordelia called back, "We have some more pressing engagements to deal with right now. He'll tell you later!"

Buffy growled at the swinging doors, and met Willow's disgruntled pout with one of her own. "Why does she get all the fun?"

Not two minutes later, anyone walking past the janitors cleaning closet would have hurried off after hearing a long low moan.

-

End. 


End file.
